I’ve had some relapses lately. I am not quite sure why, but I guess it could be the nature of grief. Then I am grieving for my mother, too, so throw that in, and I suppose it is natural. I thought the tears and the fear were behind me, though.
It started when I read this stupid self-help book. The chapter was about getting rid of anger and blame so I could move forward. The exercise was to image the offender’s car pulling into my driveway, seeing a tow truck hook up to the vehicle, and then pulling it right up into the sky, into outer space, where it explodes. It never said the driver would leave the vehicle, so I guess that is up to the imaginer.
I swear, when I closed my eyes and “saw” my former spouse’s red Ford pickup pull into my drive way, I started to have a panic attack. My heart raced, my breathing was short, and I felt woozy. I opened my eyes and stopped that image right then and there. It was NOT going to help me to follow through with that mental exercise. The feeling of fear took a while to dissipate.
Then a few nights later, I dreamed that my former spouse walked into the home I was visiting. His eyes took on the mean, flat black look they got when he was angry, and in my dream, I stood up to him and told him I was there first, and if he didn’t like it, he could be the one to leave. In real life, I would never have had that face- off. The dream left me exhausted.
A few days ago, I was overcome with sadness for the loss of my hard struggled for marriage and the good times we did have. Then I remembered the feelings of fear. When I left him, one of the things I told him was that I was without energy from being afraid of his anger all the time. I don’t have that struggle on a daily basis any longer. Glad of that! Having these small set-backs has reminded me that fear is an evil ruler. Giving up fear, and letting go of that hook in me is one of the best things I can ever do for myself. It is right up there with quitting smoking. I am going to be so proud of myself.